October has always been my favorite month. It’s the month that no longer makes me sad about summer’s end, as the days become cooler leading to even cooler nights, leaving no doubt that it’s indeed a new season. I love the many textures of the various fall flowers, cabbages, peppers and pumpkins. Who doesn’t love a good pumpkin? I get lost every year decorating with bumpy, square, blue (yes there ARE blue pumpkins), white and Cinderella pumpkins. It fills my soul with all the good feelings of childhood memories, roasting s’mores, crisp autumn mornings waiting for the school bus and everything pumpkin and cinnamon spice. There’s no denying the beauty that emerges when the leaves on the trees give way to deep and vibrant reds, yellows and oranges. The mountains here in northeast Pennsylvania, resemble a bowl of Fruity Pepples, once again reminding me of childhoods past, admiring the mountains from our back porch with my mom.
In recent years, October has taken on another new meaning to me. I still love the change of the season, the textures, colors and fall themed festivals and foods. However, it represents a deeper, life altering part of me. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A month devoted to the many that mourn in silence, but with statistics as high as 1 in 4, an entire month devoted to raise awareness and remember.
October of 2010, I celebrated my 30th birthday with my closest family and friends, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our firstborn. I was vibrant in those pictures. Albeit, fifty pounds overweight (M&Ms…I blame it on Larissa’s constant want of M&Ms), but I was still glowing. For many years, following 2010, the fall season months were never the same to me. My love of all things fall, faded into a longing and sadness that for many years was indescribable. A pain too deep to talk about, but always there, magnified by the change of season, a never ending reminder of all that should have been.
Recently, my joy in life has been restored, my love for fall once again re-ignited. I get lost in decorating, planning fall meals and desserts, but always reflect on the years past, and not only what we have lost, but also what we have gained. Losing Larissa was by far the hardest thing I’ve endured in this life, with memories of those nine months still standing strong in my mind and heart and one month out of twelve isn’t suffice for remembrance, but it’s a start.
This October, many may observe a busy mom, relishing in fall decorating, creating Halloween costumes and making cherished memories, but there will forever remain an even more important love for this month. For all those newly bereaved moms or dads, you are not alone. During October, and in the months beyond, we remember. The month will quickly come to an end, celebrated with Halloween and memories created with my two children here. As October fades into November, I will continue to remember, maybe even smiling, as I sneak candy from my child’s Halloween stash, but always avoiding M&Ms as Larissa had me indulge a little too much during those nine blessed months.