Category: Uncategorized

November 13, 2019

Perspective

Ever have one of those mornings (ok, days or weeks?) where everything seems to be going against you?  I woke up today to a snowy/icy mix … ugh, already on November 12th, so cue the two hour school delay for my kids on top of an already jam packed day and crammed week.  I quickly became frustrated and annoyed by the change in my schedule.  
As I was doing my morning workout, thoughts of juggling my schedule, preparing for Austin’s birthday and getting caught up on my ever growing ‘to do’ list raced through my mind.  Then a flashback to this same day in 2010 came in my head. 

November 12th of 2010 was my last scheduled day of work before I was to deliver Larissa.  I was so busy preparing for the arrival of our bundle and getting last minute things together that I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t felt any movement that day.  


That memory put it all into perspective.  Be grateful I have a party to plan, school delays to endure, extracurriculars to attend and small mouths to feed.  These are the blessings I so longed for in 2010 and never thought I’d receive.  So, after my workout I took advantage of the delayed morning to do my kids laundry, pack their lunches and prepare for Austin’s party…normal everyday mom tasks that we all take for granted but may be simple pleasures someone is silently praying and hoping to achieve. #blessings #perspective #momlife

November 12, 2019

My Baby is Turning 6…always bittersweet.

It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that my baby, all 4feet 2inches of him, is turning 6! I remember the day I delivered him.  I had been scheduled for a C-section just the day prior, as we opted for an amniocentesis to check lung maturity and deliver early if able. I received the call on November 13th, while at work, my hands trembling as I answered the phone, knowing I’d be told whether or not we can deliver.  The nurse cheerfully told me the baby’s lungs are mature and I was scheduled for a C-section the next morning…November 14th…the day that forever changed us with the news of losing Larissa.  A day, that from that year, 2013, went from the worst day of our lives to also one of the best.  


I called my husband and relayed the news, still in a state of disbelief.  And knowing, just maternal instinct, that this baby was not another girl and we needed a name and fast.  My co-workers suggested various names, as did my husband’s, as we texted back and forth negating each other’s suggestions.  Then I suggested Austin, my husband agreed, and from that day on it was his chosen name.

 
The next morning when prepped for surgery and wheeled into the operating room, I felt such a sense of calm.  My pregnancy with Austin was anything but calm, filled with complications, many sleepless nights and moments of irrational fear and tears, but that morning was different.  It was like Larissa was there, assuring me this day will forever be changed going forward.  It had been three years of mourning our loss, and focusing on the end goal of completing our family.  It was time to welcome this new baby and celebrate both Larissa and Austin on November 14th for what we have lost, but also what we have gained.  Time to accept our loss and be open to the signs Larissa sends us, letting us know she’s very much a forever part of our family, but that it’s time to be joyous, rather than sad.  

We welcomed a healthy, crying baby early that morning. What a long way we came from the sobs of despair we shed in an otherwise silent delivery room, three years prior at the same place.  We went from a place of total despair to a place we never thought imaginable. Never lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.  It may not come on your timeline, but with patience and perseverance, it will come.  

So, this year we will celebrate our little guy with a magic themed party.  I’m busy preparing the invites, decor and planning away.  Check back for a future post to see the magic unfold…as the birth of any child is certainly magical and should be celebrated as such.

November 7, 2019

Thanksgiving….

Everyone has a favorite holiday, Thanksgiving had always been mine.  I loved that it was a day to just enjoy the company of loved ones, counting our many blessings and eating delicious food then letting it all digest while scouring the Black Friday circulars.  The birth and loss of Larissa changed that for me.  I’ll always remember our first Thanksgiving after delivering her.  I got dressed in my maternity pants, angry that my body had failed me and had to celebrate my favorite holiday with no baby to show.  I sat in the rocker in what would have been her nursery and sobbed prior to heading to my parents until I could sob no more.  

I’ve come a long way since that first Thanksgiving almost nine years ago.  In that moment was there anything I was thankful for? Possibly, but I couldn’t see it then.  Looking back, I’m thankful for the 40 blessed weeks I had with Larissa.  I’m thankful for my husband for staying stronger than I was (at least while around me) to keep me going and face every day.  I’m thankful to my Mom whom in her own grief of losing a grandchild, patiently waited for her own daughter, whom she was slowly losing as well, to come back around. And I’m thankful for the daily calls and weekly outings my best friend took me on, knowing all too well the cycle of grief and the need to keep going despite how hard it is.  I suppose the saying ‘there’s always something to be thankful for’ is true even during our darkest days.  I’m living proof. 


This year, I’ve decided to start an annual tradition of gratitude leaves.  I found these cute leave cut outs with twine on Amazon that you can easily write words of gratitude.  I think it’s a great lesson for the kids and the leaves even have holes that you can weave with twine or ribbon and hang it as garland, decorate a tree, use as filler around a flameless candle or lay around a tablescape. I also like the idea of attaching the gratitude leaves to a card or gift for someone with a reason why you’re grateful for them.  

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my loss of Larissa and my blessings and journey that led me to where I’m at today.  Life is hard, no doubt, but it’s important to remember the good that often comes from the bad.  I’ll forever be grateful to Larissa and the first pregnancy joy, a joy that I was robbed of in subsequent pregnancies and I’m forever grateful that i was blessed again times two to fill my empty arms and achy heart with a joy like no other.  #blessings #pregnacyloss #thanksgiving

October 27, 2019

Changes

Fall is a time of year that signifies so many changes, beautiful changes.  The mountains become alive with vibrant fruity pebbles colors, houses get decked out with pumpkins, haystacks and cornstalk arrangements, and for us, back in 2010 we anxiously prepared for the biggest change of all.  We were to welcome our firstborn in November, but life had different plans for us.  It was November 14th when we heard those life changing words ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.’  Forty weeks of preparation and excitement for that transition to motherhood, for life to change on a dime.  Our firstborn, Larissa, was stillborn at 40 weeks gestation.  From that day on, we found a ‘new normal.’  It was and continues to be a journey of ever adjusting change, raising the two beautiful children we were blessed with after Larissa and turning the grief of our loss into a message to others.  

I’ve created this blog because from 2010 to present, I was blessed to find a new normal.  I poured my heart and soul into raising my two precious children, but as my youngest went to kindergarten this year, I felt a loss of sorts all over again.  My first day home off work with both kids in school, I walked into the house after putting Austin on the bus and cried.  That silence in the house flashed me back to 2010 when silence filled every room in the house.  It’s been almost three months since he started kindergarten and I’ve felt Larissa’s presence…I’ve survived the loss of a child, this too shall pass.  

So, here I am on round two of my ‘new normal.’  When I lost Larissa, I was encouraged to try to remember what brought me joy in life as I put one foot in front of the other.  The things I used to love, I had to slowly get back into…decorating, shopping, makeup, reading and cooking all filled my heart with joy.  The unfolding of this blog will hopefully ignite my inner light as I find another ‘new normal’ and share things I love with all of you with hopes that we come together to make a message of our mess and bring some light to those navigating their way through whatever challenge they face.