Month: October 2021

October 22, 2021

Sprinkled With Love

Birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I may or may not have been that annoying kid (and adult), whom ever so eagerly starts reminding all my friends and family of my upcoming birthday as early as August 1st. Yes. I said August 1st.

Recently though, I get mixed feelings as my birthday approaches. Maybe it’s a sign of maturity, but undoubtedly it’s because, as with every holiday, I always feel someone missing. Holidays are like that though. They are days which we celebrate with our closest family and friends, yet also a time that we remember those no longer with us here to celebrate.

So, as I’m celebrating 41 revolutions around the sun, I’ve been reflecting more on things I’d love to still accomplish. Is 40 the mid-life crisis age? I had always thought it was 50, but after COVID cancelled our Turks and Caicos celebratory trip last year and I pouted like a child, legit like a child, I found myself yearning to do more in memory of Larissa.

Perhaps it was the extra time at home during quarantine, enabling me to sit and think. However, I also think that sometimes the universe is just sending us signs or ‘nudges’ as I’d like to call them. I recall when I lost Larissa, being encouraged to help with my grieving process by engaging in things I loved prior to my loss.

So, I slowly started baking again. I vividly remember making a lemon meringue pie because my previous attempt at meringue had been a flop, literally a flop; no peaks at all. Anyone familiar with making meringue knows you have to beat the egg whites until peaks form. Done by hand or a hand mixer, it’s a laborious task. Done by a Kitchenaid mixer, it’s a piece of cake (or should I say pie?).

I have a Kitchenaid mixer, but somehow I felt compelled to torture myself and beat those darn egg whites with a whisk. Initially, it was therapeutic. I had a lot of pent up anger, so whipping those eggs into peaks was a release, but then I just got increasingly frustrated and even more angry at those darn egg whites and life as a whole. I poured so much of my emotion into that stupid, sad (yet picture perfect) pie. The picture my husband snapped of me holding that pie with a super forced ‘smile’ is lost somewhere in our archives but forever engrained in my mind. I made a promise to myself and Larissa that if life was ever good agin, I’d bake and spread that joy.

Fast forward to 2021, forty-one (yikes!) years of age and creating cocoa bombs, cookies and various other sweet concessions all in the name of Larissa. People who know me, know my back history on my desire to bake. After all, who doesn’t love a tasty baked good and the smell when walking into a bakery? But for me, and most importantly, it’s the smiles on people’s faces when they taste their pastries. THAT’S joy. I want to spread that joy like confetti. So, I hope Larissa knows that each pastry I make, every cocoa bomb I seal and with every mix of my whisk (or Kitchenaid mixer), I smile. I smile in her memory and knowing that I’m FINALLY at a place where I’m sprinkling that joy as I had envisioned.

October 3, 2021

October and Fall Feels

October has always been my favorite month. It’s the month that no longer makes me sad about summer’s end, as the days become cooler leading to even cooler nights, leaving no doubt that it’s indeed a new season. I love the many textures of the various fall flowers, cabbages, peppers and pumpkins. Who doesn’t love a good pumpkin? I get lost every year decorating with bumpy, square, blue (yes there ARE blue pumpkins), white and Cinderella pumpkins. It fills my soul with all the good feelings of childhood memories, roasting s’mores, crisp autumn mornings waiting for the school bus and everything pumpkin and cinnamon spice. There’s no denying the beauty that emerges when the leaves on the trees give way to deep and vibrant reds, yellows and oranges. The mountains here in northeast Pennsylvania, resemble a bowl of Fruity Pepples, once again reminding me of childhoods past, admiring the mountains from our back porch with my mom.

In recent years, October has taken on another new meaning to me. I still love the change of the season, the textures, colors and fall themed festivals and foods. However, it represents a deeper, life altering part of me. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A month devoted to the many that mourn in silence, but with statistics as high as 1 in 4, an entire month devoted to raise awareness and remember.

October of 2010, I celebrated my 30th birthday with my closest family and friends, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our firstborn. I was vibrant in those pictures. Albeit, fifty pounds overweight (M&Ms…I blame it on Larissa’s constant want of M&Ms), but I was still glowing. For many years, following 2010, the fall season months were never the same to me. My love of all things fall, faded into a longing and sadness that for many years was indescribable. A pain too deep to talk about, but always there, magnified by the change of season, a never ending reminder of all that should have been.

Recently, my joy in life has been restored, my love for fall once again re-ignited. I get lost in decorating, planning fall meals and desserts, but always reflect on the years past, and not only what we have lost, but also what we have gained. Losing Larissa was by far the hardest thing I’ve endured in this life, with memories of those nine months still standing strong in my mind and heart and one month out of twelve isn’t suffice for remembrance, but it’s a start.

This October, many may observe a busy mom, relishing in fall decorating, creating Halloween costumes and making cherished memories, but there will forever remain an even more important love for this month. For all those newly bereaved moms or dads, you are not alone. During October, and in the months beyond, we remember. The month will quickly come to an end, celebrated with Halloween and memories created with my two children here. As October fades into November, I will continue to remember, maybe even smiling, as I sneak candy from my child’s Halloween stash, but always avoiding M&Ms as Larissa had me indulge a little too much during those nine blessed months.